Jokes — Or, a Eulogy for the Award Show

Their heritage need not be idealized, or enlarged in death, beyond how they were in life — to be remembered simply as institutions of prestige is generous enough.

Here lies the dearly departed integrity of entertainment award ceremonies.

I write before you all today, dismayed and disturbed by the state that we have witnessed these institutions erode in. It is hard, but necessary, to pay our respects to these ceremonies — so eloquently dedicated to their own demise.

Let’s get the clear and obvious out of the way. It’s too easy to rag on major award shows simply for being misogynist, racist, and xenophobic. That’s what they have always been and, as long as the institutions behind them currently remain in place, they always will be.

Yet, throughout their decade- and century-long history of self-determined prestige, these shows prided themselves on setting an epic, rarely-challenged mirage. Of late, they had failed to do that.

Most notably, the Emmys, Golden Globes, the Grammys, the Video Music Awards, the SAG Awards, and the Oscars have all gone out of their self-deprecating ways to turn themselves into jokes.

Electric word: jokes. Metaphorically, and literally, the weapon most detrimental to institutions such as those behind these shows.

A double-edged sword, as harmlessly harmful as allowing Diddy to give a speech demanding that the industry give artists back their power. As importantly unceremonious as coming out as a queer person is to Kevin Hart. As unironically ironic that Parasite has become the darling film of the white-dominated industry’s award season (or, its director, anyway.)

Award shows have been a joke. A confusing, mind-boggling, silencing joke, so unfunny that you laugh.

In layman’s terms, every single Ricky Gervais line from his fifth(!) time hosting the Golden Globes.

Award shows, you used to give us a glimpse inside your worlds, trying to convince us how great a time it is for your constituents — toxicity, patriarchy, anti-blackness, elitism, and gerrymandering aside. You made it work, so well, for so long.

Many would pile on you all for not giving trophies to the right people. Prime example: The Grammys - their continual disrespect of hip hop now stretches four decades. Their consistent snubbing of Beyoncé (whilst she simultaneously is in the top 10 award recipients in its history) has caused several of their worst moments (well, best, too.) But, the most evident fact in support of this claim, is that “in the era of Rihanna, Beyoncé, Frank Ocean and Drake, no black artist has won album of the year since 2008.”

But, the piling on for that is oft unnuanced and frankly, moot.

At the same time, many would commend you for trying to appease the popular opinion in the modern, rapid response age. The Emmys, for example, suffer as one of award season’s first ceremonies and thus, its most tossed aside and most critiqued night. Who would have expected you all to know that a year after a beloved song on diversifying TV, whilst nominating a record number of entertainers of color — giving an award to RuPaul would be controversial and the Academy for Television Arts & Sciences would remain whitewashed?

But, you were all supposed to be more than a popularity contest.

See, the issues that our adored award shows had went beyond who they hand their trophies to. It’s more than trying to out-woke the previous year’s broadcast. Those are the tactics that make, or break, less important ceremonies such as the iHeartRadio Awards and Kid’s Choice Awards.

With the hint of desperation morphing into a smog of poisonous suggestions, the major award shows that lay in front of us today chose to do what all narcissistic entities do when the end is near: serve themselves. They’ve forced everyone else to be subjected to every last wheeze and hack, trying to remit from ceding control. They would do the bare minimum to appease some of the endless desires for change from viewers, and then shoddily coddle their performers’ egos, too.

As long as we all gave them enough rope to hang on to, until next year.

The ropes have collectively snapped.

What did their last attempts at surviving look like? Let’s look around — the Academy Awards’ internally subversive decision to once again pass on having a host, which would be fine…if they didn’t subject us to the terrible writing that blockbuster film comedians typically come with, and still try to steal the moment from the very few people of color they award.

The Grammys relying on Alicia Keys, a bunch of overdue tributes, and weird lineups to cover up its ugly image as a confirmed misogynistic, corrupt method of operation — just to give all their awards to an white woman artist who’s unnecessarily hip-hop hating, when she’s not busy being a cultural appropriator. Oh, and after throwing their entire official criteria out the window to allow popular artists like Lizzo, Tyler, the Creator and Chance the Rapper to take part, they didn’t even broadcast the award categories that artists like those were put in - not that they accurately categorized Black artists, anyway. Their dedication to catering to the white, pop, record label-generated few partaking is just like the issues that caused Black artists to boycott over 30 years ago. The only major difference: the white members, pop genre, and need for record labels have all become a minority within the Recording Academy.

Amazing how far those reforms for progress have bought them.

The VMAs, relied on a MTV caricature version of New Jersey culture and a provocative yet unknown host to get their ratings up, in addition to subjecting us to label-crafted crap such as a botched PR-manufactured romantic moment between Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello and the Jonas Brothers shilling for Toyota. We already knew the music industry is controlled by the same four billion-dollar corporations, please stop reminding us.

The Golden Globes — which are supposed to be the opposite of the ‘very local’ Oscars, since they are put together by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association — gave us generic white chauvinism, subjecting us to Twitter’s playfully transphobic, “you mad, bro?” supreme leader Ricky Gervais for the fifth time — as if anyone wanted to even remember he’s led this show more than once. (Five times? Do they enjoy pissing off Mel Gibson that much?) The only moment of the ceremony that didn’t utterly annoy everyone in the crowd was the praising of Ellen DeGeneres and Tom Hanks — who were worthy of the moment, Ellen’s prideful coddling of homophobes and racists aside.

The SAG Awards led to Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston being ‘caught’ talking backstage, forcing us to once again deal with the tabloids’ unnatural obsession with them, although it’s child’s play to today’s average stan account. Unfortunately, that turned out to be the only notable occurrence at that event

See, the cause of death and decay are these award ceremonies’ commitment to not only alienating their audience, but disrespecting and inciting their own, already privileged, wealthy, out-of-touch creatives. Now, they’re continuing on with nonsense — out of pure spite, or self-pity, is up to your interpretation.

In the absurdity of the past year, and era in entertainment, nothing makes it more clear that these award institutions have passed on maintaining dignity than the Academy’s willing, inexplicable decision to bring out Eminem.

Eminem.

In 2020. To perform a song from…2003. to ‘rectify’ him not receiving his Oscar in person.

From 2003.

When nobody asked.

While it ‘forgot’ to remember the late Cameron Boyce, among other lost entertainers, and tried to cut time from Parasite’s speech.

It’s emblematic that even when institutions such as these do something that they have no business doing, they make sure it’s either for, or favoring, a white man. Even when the mostly-white people in the crowd and critics are utterly confused by it.

Today, we pay respects to the integrity of our dearly departed award shows. You all kept up the charades of your sanctity for a very long time.

Rest assured, all, these ceremonies have dug their graves and already begun to pour the cement. No matter how long lifestyle publications forcefully remind us of your hollow existences, we will never forget that you are no longer with us. They need not be idealized, or enlarged in death beyond what they were in life — to be remembered simply as institutions of prestige is generous enough.

I won’t speak to what will take your place in the social navigation — but hopefully, institutions that plan to actually focus on honoring the hard, innovative creations of the artists and entertainers will be considered. Hopefully, ceremonies that celebrate the creatives of our time while they’re still alive and actually doing the damn thing will actually come to fruition.

You survived by committing a lot of the convictions of your lifetimes — segregation, bigotry, culture of abuse, and many other forms of violence and hatred that I don’t really need to name any further.

…But it was the huge jokes you’ve all become that have doomed you all in.

May you all rest in eventual damnation.

(And the Tonys better have it together when they air in June, because I’m not trying to amend this piece.)